Lithium

So we are on Day 6 of blogging now.

I find it quite strange that the moment I start to blog, that same moment my life has taken a course on the worlds largest emotional roller coaster.  Coincidence or has it happened for a reason? Either way I am happy to have the stress release through blogging and speaking to friends and family.  It has helped.

Last night when I had blogged and I had spoken to a few friends about things, I realized that I might live to regret asking people questions, after wondering if I could really handle the truth and what it would mean to me.  I had reached a certain peace with myself and the situation, but yet again, emotion fueled decisions had let to more heartache today, in hindsight, my own fault for being so persistent about knowing every detail.

I had reached out to a person I thought could help me with some answers, and I was right, this person did give me answers and confirmed to me that yes, my ex had being cheating on me, for just under one month.  Up until I had made my peace yesterday, I had thought that by knowing this it would help me through what has happened.  It didn't.  I awoke this morning to find the news, and almost immediately was hit by an emotional rush of adrenaline, and rather than feel like a pressure had been lifted, I started to feel angry, disappointed and emotionally unstable once again.  My first reaction was to contact her and let her know I now have the power to make her life as shit as mine has been this last week with the evidence I now had in my possession.  I knew that as much as emotions were high that this behavior is not me, so I decided to go outside and have a cigarette and calm down.  One cigarette turned into about 5, I could not change my mind or calm down and was still demanding to know why she had treated me this way.  Once again, regrettably now, I dug out her number and text her telling her I knew and I could not promise not telling her family.

After debating whether or not I would really make my revenge, I managed to have a 2 hour long discussion with my good friend Colin and his fiance Hayley.  It was so nice to Skype with them, talk some nonsense, about some old times and of course what has being going on with me and my ex.  It was nice to really talk, waste some time and to get a fresh point of view on things.  After the call, I started listening to Nirvana, a band I have always love, and listened to the song 'I hate myself and want to die',  it is definitely not one of my favorite songs but it definitely inspired me and made me feel happier about myself.  I know that as much as life gets you down, it chews you up and spits you out again - like it has done to me recently- then I will never hate life enough to want to finish it, I am a strong person and as much as I sometimes I sound pessimistic, do stupid emotionally fueled things every now, I know that I am a strong man and you need to get back on your horse and try again.

The emotions, thoughts and other things I cannot put a name to over the last week have been crazy.  I have learnt a few things about life, other people and most importantly about myself.  I have learnt that when you truly know a person, they can still change, and just because you know a person until the point where you feel 100% comfortable and trustworthy - that person can still change.  I have learnt that life will put us through the highest highs and the lowest lows, and in the end it means nothing, what matters is how you overcome lives problems and move on.  We have a short amount of time on this planet and there is no point wasting one second over a person who does not deserve you for whatever reason.  This is a not a statement expressing that I am better than anybody else, but one that states everybody is equal and nobody, NOBODY should think they can treat other people like I have been treat and get away with it.  Karma's a bitch.  The thing I have learnt about myself is that I am much, much stronger than I ever thought and that I am happy with who I am.  Although, it will be tough in the near future to remind my self of this, I know that deep down, I will be okay and I am sure I will love again should I be lucky enough.


This is the third I have tried to write this blog today, it has been way too difficult for me to write down my thoughts, and actually get them out there in to the public.  I have however, since come to terms with whats happened, I have deleted the people from my life who I believe will help me, I have a flight to book, a case to pack and my future to plan which I am so excited about and now need to have some faith that I can keep this positive mental attitude going on, and my blogs from now will actually be positive and exciting, rather than carry a sense of a negativity and hopefully this big miserable rain cloud which is hanging around me at the moment.. can kindly bugger off.


JC