Have to admit I am surprised by peoples positive reaction to this thing. Bonus.
I'm afraid that today's blog will not be as inspired as my previous two.
I left yesterdays blog describing a feeling of opportunity and enthusiasm, and don't get me wrong i know these feelings are still there but I feel like, overnight there has been a minor sandstorm (or for the guys back in UK - a snowstorm). Now, a sandstorm doesn't destroy things in anyway, it just kind of... covers everything in sand. Yesterday was the day of destruction for me, and was shown feelings and a sense of adrenaline I never knew I had, my feelings were anger, disappointment, shame, sadness, jealousy and an extreme lack of self-esteem feeling.
It seems that all of the anger and hurt I had inside me yesterday has at least subsided for today, but with the layer of sand that has come through during the night, I have found that this morning there is also a layer of sadness with it. Encompassing my entire thoughts - without really thinking - strange feeling. Its a sadness and realisation that I was just not good enough for her, and that as much as I love her, I am sad that she had to lie to me rather than be honest. All of the thoughts I had yesterday but rather than be angry have turned to sadness. And that... is sad.
It is my moms birthday today (Happy Birthday MOM) and we had decided to venture out last night to one of these 'all-you-can-eat-and-drink' shindigs at some posh hotel, I met some of my parents new friends, we were joined by Gaz and a couple the family has known for around 4 years, Leanne and Callum. It also happened to be one of those nights where you drink, and drink, and drink but don't get drunk. What a waste of money.
I found out quite quickly of sitting down that one of the topics of tonight's discussion would be me, my blogs and what a shit time I've being going through. I was half expecting people there to be asking about whats happened, giving me advice and telling me I'm sorry life will only get better. I realise this might sound ungrateful on my part, but its really not, hearing these things from people genuinely does make you feel better about the situation - in small doses. I am terrible for this, whenever I hear about somebody who has bad news in their life, I genuinely hate the fact that all I can really say or do is 'Im sorry for..', sometimes I wish there was more you could do or say to a person. Anyways, I was expecting a certain level of these things, but what I 'really' wanted was to go out forget about everything, what a fool I have been, what a 'bad' person my ex has been, just everything.
I was what seemed to be targeted for a brief moment and told about why this is going to be the best moment of my life now, it doesn't matter if your ex has 's*****d' 1 or a million men and I'm sure you can imagine the other 'positive reinforcements' been used for a couple of hours. This is the first conflict I have had with 'blogging' because I now have the experience of going out, meeting 2 or 3 people for the first time ever and have them tell me my life and what to do with it. As much of the talk was because they were pissed as farts, it was still a strange experience. not a bad one at all, I was quite enjoying listening to peoples stories, but seemed to shy away when they were talking about mine.
By the end of the night, well, once the gay Russian mafia from the table next door (who in between songs were jumping off the stage to check on how their shipment was coming along) had given the dance floor back to the band and the music had stopped, I actually started to have fun again and stop thinking about what has taken up so much of my minds working hours. People were drinking more, inhibitions loosening and talking to me about 'you-know-who' less and less. Winners. This was also helped by a small friend of mine called Malcom X, who for the animal extremists reading this will probably be largely offended. Malcom X was a gecko, who one of the guys had found dead and introduced to the group, a couple of the guys thought that for sentimental purposes and a present to my mother for her birthday we should put him in a Pepsi bottle full of water, to replicate the look of a ship in a bottle.
This is exactly the type of childish banter I need in order to sort my head out and forget about that chimera like beast of a woman who tore out, jumped up and down on my heart. Its easy to forget about what has happened as long as you keep yourself busy, talk to people about random things and generally try to have PMA. The problem is, when you are sleeping, you have no control over your conscious thoughts and things take a turn for the worse, especially for me the past two nights and its horrible.
We are just about to leave the house now to go for a meal at a beach bar in Dubai, and I'm already feeling terrible for not getting anything for my moms birthday despite the fact my past week has been pre-occupied with other thoughts. I will have to make it up to her thank her for all of the love and support she continues to give me after everything. The same goes for my friends who have showed an un-relentless sense of support in the past week, and with you guys I know this situation would be bare near impossible to get through alone.
One thing I am certain, is that right now, after once again cheering myself up by getting my thoughts and feelings down, I am buzzing and beaming with love for my friends and family, I'm buzzing with excitement for Thailand and hate to wish my life away but wish i could just fast-forward one week, until I am on that flight to Bangkok.
Ciao for ow.
JC
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