The choice to start this 365 day project was a great one to make, however, there could be a problem starting arise here, that or I'm becoming a paranoid, over sensitive, head-too-big douche bag.
I started this blog as mostly 'self-help', to get my ideas, thoughts etc out in the open so I can be honest with myself and honest with others. I think if you have read my previous posts you will see a drastic change in thoughts and feelings from yours truly already - this is not due to me 'changing' or 'growing', of which I was hoping to find some of these things this time next year. If we are all still alive in 2013 that is, because we are all going to die this year, apparently. The simple reasons of why I have changed my views and feelings so drastically are because of what happened the other night. When I look back to my first blog, just a couple of days ago, I cannot look at it or read it and feel confident or happy with myself. I can only think 'what a stupid idiot you were for thinking like that'. I know what has happened with my relationship, and I am coming to terms with the idea that I'm not necessarily and idiot, I'm not a fool, a bad person etc. its starting to hit home that all I did was open my heart to somebody and got it broken in half.
The thing I'm struggling with is.. I know she loved me and we genuinely did have a really amazing time together - probably the best when I took her and her little boy to Rome, Italy for a week for her birthday. That was probably the best week of my life.
I will always have the memories and I'm sure in time I will look back and realise when she loved me and when she didn't, but right now, every time I look at my Facebook pictures, more than half of them are me with her. I am struggling to know how to deal with them. Do I keep them online and get upset and wonder 'was she lying about loving me at this time?', thinking 'I wonder how many guys she was texting here?' or do I delete them? Its a tough call, right now I do not want to see them, and do not want to spend an hour clicking through all these snaps, re-living the memories only to then delete them and get more upset than I already am. If I do get rid, then they are gone forever.
Enough of the ex-talk. I am boring myself thinking about this all the time, talking about it. I am worth more than what she gave me and the way she treated me. You know, when women get down and upset about things they congregate together, get a bottle of red wine, some ice cream, stick Bridget Jones' Diary on the telly and reassure each other about 'Girl Power' and this magic ritual seems to make everything disappear, its amazing. But do not be fooled guys and girls. Men do the same thing. When there is something on the mind of a man and it is really digging into him, we have our own magical ritual. 
All you have to do is change some of the ingredients - you have to be by yourself for this to work, men talking about things doesn't work, change the bottle of red to a bottle of Jack Daniels or a 6 pack of Carlsberg, change ice cream for the biggest Meat Feast pizza the shop will make and stick Top Gear or some Bear Grylls type of documentary on the TV in replacement of old Bridget Jones. That's it, that's all you need, et voila! We wake up in the morning, peace has been made with the world and its time to get back to normality.Thats why, as a man, it is good to vent a little bit and I can now use this blog as part of a stress-release, rather than waking up in a pile of your own vomit and find pieces of pizza down your undercrackers.
One reason I have thought about there potentially being a problem with my blogging is the reasons behind it. I started off as a complete newbie, and I still am but the response by the readers has been phenomenal, and although I know myself this is incredibly early to start having these thoughts, but I have found myself actively thinking of what to write in my blogs the day before, thinking how tomorrows is going to be as good as today's or yesterdays for example, and rather than 'just' a personal experiment, its starting to look and feel like a performance piece as well. This may not sound like a problem, but I don't want to compromise my personal project just to make somebody else happy. However, I am best pleased when whilst doing my own thing that makes people happy, that's pretty cool.
I am quite eager to maybe do some research and talk to some other people that are blogging and find out what it means to them and how much to really put into it. I found my self reading through some article on Twitter today and I thought to myself, wow, it must take a huge effort to get thousands of followers and keep them entertained on a daily basis. My usage of that particular 'social network' is very, very minimal. I use it to read what famous people have to say, I don't really have any interest in becoming a popular 'Tweeter'. Posting multiple messages per day and keeping up to date, second by second seems too much effort to me.
I have realised in this short amount of time whilst blogging that I really enjoy it. The biggest thing I have learnt so far is that when you thoroughly think about a subject and understand what your feelings are, you are able to expand your mind. You are able to get the same message across by updating your Facebook. For example, If i was to wake up pissed off for whatever reason, more likely than not my next Facebook status would read 'James Clark is.. pissed off'. With blogging you can really understand, explore and realise why you are pissed off, in the end it is the same message been projected - you still know your pissed off and so does everyone else, but you can really learn how to 'say what you mean and really mean what you say'.
JC
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