I have being finding it somewhat difficult to remain positive and believe that I am 'the stronger person' in the past couple of days, my sleep pattern has alternated and now I sleep through the day, stay awake through the night. As I mentioned, it has been a struggle to remain positive and stop my self of thinking about her, the time we had, how I miss her and how bad she made me feel, a real mixture of feelings, but the past days everything I see reminds me of her. Which is hard,
I now have around 48 hours left in the U.A.E and I have gone through the rigmoral of packing, sorting visas out, finding places to stay and now just ready to jump on the plane and go, and the sooner.. the better. I am sure I will still think about her when I am out there in Thailand, but it will be much MUCH easier to forget about her, and I need to.. quick. Knowing that I still love her so much after everything she has put me through is eating away at me inside, making me think 'what a fool you are', and then I think of the good times we had and just wish the next person to call is her. Although, I dont really want her to call - I realise it is the weakness inside of me trying to jump out.
I've found it difficult to blog over the past couple of days - a mixture of not knowing what to say and because I do not want to keep droning on about my ex, after publicly stating that I have started to feel better. The reason I have decided to blog to day is because I cannot lie, I cannot tell people I am completely fine, when I am not. This doesn't mean that I am back in the place I was before when I was depressed and thought the world was a pile of horse muck, but I am very much still in the transition period of 'rain-cloud' about to leave, in my mind. Some days I am my normal Jimmy C cheeky chappy personality, and sometimes, more reserved because everything around me is still revolving around her. I'm not happy with this situation, my head has accepted and moved on, but my heart is still pining for her somewhat and holding me back. Which is why I am hopeful Thailand will release me of that. That thought pleases me, finally over!
Myself and Gaz will board the plane to Bangkok very soon where we will spend a few days to find our feet before heading through the main cities of Thailand, travel, see the place before we settle down and find some permanent work as scuba diving instructors. There will be no time for thinking about the past - only the present and the future. There are too many opportunities to be had and I cannot bloody wait.
Some of the reviews for Thailand on the internet have made me laugh recently, and as much I am aware everywhere has their good and bad spots, I find it difficult to believe that people can actually have a 'real' life and bring up kids there etc. The place looks nuts. From having girls shooting ping-pong balls out of their, erm.. lady gardens, to seeing men with breast implants trying to drug you to sleep with you, to hearing stories about 24/7 parties which have the craziest stories. It all seems great! As mentioned in previous posts I will not be partaking in 'all' activities Thailand has to offer, but as a person with the motto 'try everything once, if you dont like it, dont try it again', I will go with an open mind to try as much as I can - my morals will still remain the same.
If you cannot lose yourself, relax, let loose and get your head together in Thailand then where the hell can you go?
JC
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