Hibernation

Aloha, its me again, and due to my word here is the blog for Day 2.

I would like to start off by saying that my state of mind isn't in the stable, comfortable place it was yesterday (but that doesnt mean its hanging of the edge of a cliff either) and I'm sure you will see why and hopefully even understand as you carry on reading.

First of all, I would like to express a huge thank you for the kind words and support given by friends family after Day 1 of 'blogging', I have to say I was overwhelmed and soon shocked by realizing that I may have more real 'friends' than I initially anticipated.

In my previous post I mentioned this to be a type of 'experiment' and already after only one day in the life of JamesClark365, things have altered hugely since yesterdays views. My body, mind and soul feels a little like that of a train derailment. Crashing, burning and killing almost everything inside.

However, in this case everything I am writing is not literal and no-body has been killed and physically hurt (thank god).

Here is a link to another Blogger (just so happens to be my mom) who has already blogged today with her views and feelings along with a very in-depth description of what has occurred.  You will need to read this also in order to understand the rest of today's blog.

http://mandysmidlifemayhem.blogspot.com/

There is nothing really that I can add to this story, it is all true, however I think if it was me writing that blog, there would have been alot more F**k, b****d, c**t 'sinvolved - which is probably a good thing that my mom decided to blog before me today.

I am not really sure what to think, how to feel or even what to do in the future now and this is precisely why I created this blog, to see how I handle and develop as a person by knowing my thoughts and feelings.  So whether I get 1 hit or 1 million, I think this will be great for me.

I have always grown up, open to receive advice from people, about any subject, I love understanding how different people deal with different situations.  I also believe that people can only give advice about their own personal experiences and usually find my self turning off when people think they know whats best for you and understand your situation, in hope they can make your mind up for you.  However, right now I would be more than happy for somebody to take over my body and mind and live my life for a few weeks at least so I can hibernate (like the daddy bear) and feel sorry for myself.

I am not naive in thinking that my situation is unique. Its not. Its a simple case of boy meets girl, fall in love followed by the obligatory heartbreak to finish it off.  My feelings now are mixed and part of me is relieved that I have found out about whats being happening, and the other is still in "I cant believe she would do this to me" mode.  Most of my friends know that I'm not somebody who loves easily and has certainly enjoyed his time in finding 'Mrs Right', if you know what I mean.

So for me, to finally let somebody in and really trust them with my deepest darkest secrets (there aren't many, everybody knows my life). Grow the feeling that this person really is the one person I love and always will love, just to be turned around 8 months later and be told everything that was said in recent times was a lie, get the F**k out of my house and I've been kissing other guys (and God knows what else), all of these things plus more equates to the universes largest dose of self-loathing one could imagine. Fool. 

I think for now I must weather the internal storm of my feelings of good and bad right now until they subside and I finally forget about this horrible piece of work.  The biggest thing for me, which I cant get my head around is WHY? Why would somebody knowingly treat another person in this way? What is there to gain apart from a massive argument at the end?  All I ever wanted was to love her and her son and make this girl happy, there was a smile that she would do for me when I made her laugh and it was so infectious, there were times when she was sad she would only want to speak to me to talk to because she trusted me.  These small things mean something and regardless of what she did last night, why would she give everything we had up for a kiss and some dirty texts (which I want to add were to a 50 odd year old man telling him he makes her wet and horny and wants his..lets say 'lovelength' inside her).  I wanted to to get that in somewhere in the blog, it has already made me feel better.

To conclude today's blog, I do genuinely believe that what we had was real, it somehow got lost along the way, she realised it and was too much of a coward, or control freak (I've not decided yet) to tell me about it, and when found out to be guilty, started to rub it in my face.

This does give me some solace however, I know that in the past I didn't have the best track record for treating women with must up most of respect (one night stands), but I was always honest and let people know where they stand.  However, in the past year or so, I do genuinely believe I have naturally grown, changed my views and I am happy with who I have become. As much as fool and knob as I feel right now, I know my only problem was opening up my heart and being a lovesick fool, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am really enjoying the concept of 'blogging'.  Normally when I SMS, BBM or use Facebook, my text is terrible, full of spelling mistakes, smiley faces etc. :) : ;) :p and the rest of it, its nice to be civil for a change.  You can be as honest, straight forward as you like and as long as you don't mention any names, there is no law suit :D

Thats enough of the self-loathing blog from yours truly for today.  I wont be surprised to hear a number of my friends and family have slit their wrists after reading this.

After writing this blog I have found I have a sense of enthusiasm and feel almost opportunistic that this happened for a reason, and that reason was to release the weights from around my ankles let me be free.  Lets see what happens with this feeling between now and tomorrow. 

JC

- shout out to Alex Gower, Ruth Maranian, Colin Cubbin (and hayls), Kayleigh Mac and of course my mom for their persistence, kind words and help in the last 24 hours! Great tune, and words seem very fitting for this situation. Enjoy!