Time Waster

It is currently 6.04am and my mind is just as confused as my body is right now in know what day it is, when the  last time I woke up was and when I should next go to sleep.  I know this is the 9th post that I shall be publishing, but not so sure which day it is, not so sure if I've managed to miss blogging on one day or two.


I hate being in this type of state, it gets you down.  There's nothing which is really 'bad' per se, just annoying that you seem to sleep throughout the day, waste the daylight hours and then during the hours you are awake, everyone one else is sleeping and you waste more and more hours.  in the end, the 24 hours of your day are a complete waste, time which could be used for something else, something good.  You sit there, wondering, thinking about what you can do that is productive and thoughts run through your mind like 'learn a new language', 'go for a jog' and 'go to sleep'.  All these things are much better to do and would make me feel better about myself (and probably, take my mind off other things too).  


Although you sit there and think about doing 'something productive', there are just as many reasons to back out of it, whether its because Ghost Hunters is coming on the telly in 15 minutes (and lets be honest, who can go to sleep when Derek Acorah, is coming on, the cheeky ghost-hunting scouse geezer!), or you are 'too tired' to go for a run or you you tell yourself you will sleep soon, and then realise you have only just woken up. I think the most productive thing I have done today is probably catch up on what's happening in Emmerdale, sent a couple of emails about what's happening in Thailand and fought off a couple of ex-girlfriend memories which have tried to crawl through in my moments of weakness.  It seems that everywhere I look recently, things are determined to get my thoughts back on to what I do not need to think about. That, or my mind is connecting things to those memories I have with her.  Not sure, probably the latter, but for my own self-esteem and confidence, we will go for the 'coincidence' option.  


On another subject, i have some good news! 


Flights to Bangkok are booked, confirmed and paid for. Sweet. I have being waiting for this moment for well over a month now, and it seems like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders.  Despite knowing the plans were going to come to fruition in my head, actually seeing the tickets in black and white, with names, times and destination is like an 'hallelujah' moment.  Now all of the talk about Bangkok, Phuket, the parties, Koh Tao and the other islands, thinking about the diving and everything else the place has to offer - all of this seems to finally be real and its starting to hit me that in, hmmmm less than 48 hours, I will be there.


I'm also thinking that my commitment of one blog per day, was probably a high task and awkward task to maintain.  I have struggled to find influence, topics and whatnot whilst I am jobless and duty-less in Dubai.  So when I am busy busy, laying drunk of some poor Thai girls bathroom floor or I am underwater swimming with the worlds largest fish, the whale shark, I think the blog might start to slip down my priorities, and although the blog has undoubtedly become something I did not expect - I find my self actively checking the comments and seeing how many 'new hits' I have had that day - in the end, this thing is for myself and I need to continue for myself really.  


That exact statement above 'I need to continue for myself really', makes me laugh and cringe but I also know that its true.  As much as I am loving and enjoying writing the blogs, listening to people's feedback - I have not once read one the posts I have published.  I write it, post it and then wait until the next day and do the same.  I tried 2 or 3 days ago to read my first couple of posts, and I felt the feelings of past times start to come back, I felt embarrassment and thought I write like a 5 year old.  So for now, I have decided its best not to read them.  I realised that when I started to feel the old feelings come back from how I was feeling last week that the pain, anger and love is still inside me, its like I have dug a hole, put all of my feelings in a wooden box and then buried it in the hole and whenever I get close that box, the feelings start to freshen up.  It may take some years for that box to disintegrate in to the ground and just become 'a part of me'.  

http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/11672/7605478/Muamba-critically-ill-

Right now - for the second time in this blog - it is 7.02am, almost one hour of writing and watching 'How It Is Made', where I found out how they make the traditional English red post-box.  Fascinating.  It is early, and people in the household are now beginning to wake up and get themselves ready for work, I will find my self in 4 or 5 hours looking for my bed to once again say good night at the complete wrong time.  Today, I'm not too bothered as I just need to be awake by 8pm local time to catch the footy match.  On the note of football I would to express my prayers are with Fabrice Muamba of Bolton F.C who unfortunately dropped to the floor during the Bolton vs Spurs match last night and is now in a London Heart Specialist Hospital clinically ill and is in intensive care.  Whether you are a fan of Bolton, Spurs, any other team or you are not a fan at all, these stories go above football and the results, and should bring everybody together in wishing the best for Muamba.  He is 23 and according to reports, fighting for his life! 


JC