One Night In Bangkok

Sawadee Cap!

It is my second night here in Bangkok and wow, what a day it has been.  It started by being awoken by a couple of Thai girls who we had met yesterday, much to our surprise and to be honest, pissed us both off a little as we had managed to end the night on Koh San Road at around 4am.  After around 24-30 hours of no to very little sleep of traveling then heavy drinking, the last thing we wanted this morning - feeling slight delicate - was to be woken up after just 5 hours pf kip.

So that was it, we were awake again and the day was to start, so we mooched downstairs walked a few paces until the next 'bar' and had some breakfast.  I didn't quite fancy the Thai 'streetfood' consisting of all the spices in the world at 10.30am.  So I opted for the very traditional scrambled egg and sausages. Sweet.  Anyways, as much I would have liked to spend the whole day feeling sorry for my self and sleeping, we headed out to a place called Pangthip Plaza AKA 'IT City'.  Whatever you need electrical wise is there, and dirt cheap, and if they don't have it in stock - it does not exist.  Its a cool place and managed to drink around 3 litres of water to make my self feel a little better. 

When we reached our hotel again, Gaz was insistent that we go for a Thai massage but unfortunately had to refuse this time as I had an appointment that was very important, with my bed.  I knew that we would be 'getting on it' again, its so hard not to do that when you are living in and around this place. It's mental.  So after waking up around 9.30 pm after finally having a couple of hours asleep, here we are now.  I am currently on a street just off Koh San Road, and its literally amazing how one road can be so 'party focused' then you walk 100m to the next street and its the most chilled out vibe you have ever seen.

As I have mentioned before I am loving it here, and cannot wait to get down to Phuket in the next couple of days and then down to The Islands. I do however have this feeling in the back of my mind that I have become somewhat of a prude, and things that I would normally embrace and laugh at are making me almost quince.  I am putting down to living in a very strict muslim country where these things you see here are a complete no-go.  That or my recent relationship with 'you know who' has deterred me away from these things.  However, this is something which is very small in the back of my mind and not so bothered about it and will be doing what I can to make sure I go back to my normal cheeky chappy Jimmy C personality rather then a cat woman who stinks off piss.

So thats it, sorry its not so long, but at least I am sober today as writing this blog.  Which is an improvement.

JC

Floppy Nipples

So..... I am finally in Bangkok.

After weeks and weeks of wondering what my new life and adventures would be like when I was in Thailand.  I guess today, is my first insight to that.  Obviously, Bangkok is just a stop gap until myself and Gaz reach 'The Islands', and my 'long term' future is going to be unlike what I am and will be experiencing in the next couple of days.

We arrived in Thailand today around 12.30pm, where we met a nice young girl ( a student from England somewhere - down south I think), who just so happened to be going to the same place we were going.  The infamous Koh San Road.  We talked and decided to join forces and split costs for a taxi, in the end it was around 3 pounds each for a 40 minute drive.  As soon as I landed in this country and saw life outside of the airport, I loved it.  everything you have seen on the TV about South East Asia is true, and it's amazing.. It really is.  I must warn you now before you start to suspect my writings are less descriptive and a little bit more wary, that's because right now, I am heavily influenced by alcohol -and only alcohol before my mother starts to panic.

It has been a crazy journey soar, after around 12 hours of travelling we found our haven, a nice little B and B on Koh San Road, in which Gaz had told me he had managed to sort out for around 350dhs per night person, BARGAIN, that's around 7 quid a night each.  After reaching the room, on the 4th floor without elevator may I add, I realized why it was the price it was.  Shithole would be a compliment.  My room literally consists of a bed, that's it, oh sorry there is a fan on the roof which does a great job of swishing the hot air around and giving you the microwave effect. I can deal with that, its not perfect but at the end of the day it is somewhere to lay your head at the end of the night, and in all honesty, we are only here for a couple of days then we are to head down to Phuket.

After completing of a couple of standard chores around the place; getting to know the area, sorting some money and bank things out we headed back to base where we were to meet a couple of Gaz's 'lady friends' who he had met from previous excursions in Thailand.  When I say they were 'ladies', I mean it, they are not the lady boys I have been hearing so much about.  We had a beer or two for Gaz and his friend to catch up in one of the local pool bars, it was cool, but by this time the two of us - or definately me - were starting to flake from the travelling and stupid sleeping hours.  We headed back to our new accommodation, where I presumed the girls were going back home... apparently not.  Anyways, without spreading the gory details of what I have seen tonight, lets just say, if the rest of my trip will be like the first 24 hours in Thailand.. God help me.

After trying to get some sleep - which is impossible when you might as well be on a bed in an oven turned to gas mark 10 - we decided to hit the town and get some more brewskies down us.  Which I guess leads us to where we are now.  It has been such a great experience so far, not only seeing a new way of life, new cultures and the rest of it, but meeting new people who seem to be so down to earth and here for the same reasons that we are, to have a good time.  It is evident that Thailand is the hub of all cultures and the only way I could describe what you see in the streets would be to call it a 'mashup'.  It is amazing, it really is and I cannot wait to see what tomorrow has to offer, and in the same breath, the rest of this evening.

JC

Today's The Day

So today is the day.


All of the feelings, worries, sadness, happiness I have felt over the past few weeks and months comes to today, and in the end means nothing right now.  I am glad I have gone through what I have had to endure recently,  I feel stronger in myself, and stronger as a person to know a little more about love and life for my next 'real' relationship.  These things are sent to test us, and just as Kelly Clarkson says - what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.  Have a ganders at the video. G'wan Clarkson!

This feeling seems to happen to me all time when I make a big decision or I am about to start a new part of my life, I know about what will happen, what to expect and feel like I am ready.  Then the day of departure comes and you realise the exact scale of things.  This morning, my Mom and I said our goodbyes and up until that point I was thinking to myself, oh its okay I will see you very soon its not the end of the world.  Then she told me, well actually James don't say that, I don't know when I will next see you.  She then left and I began to read her blog (http://mandysmidlifemayhem.blogspot.com/) which is when it hit me and realised that I won't be an hour and a half down the road anymore.  This is not the first time I have had this feeling, but it just shows that you still surprise yourself, and it's not like this feeling is going to kill me but I love my family and will be sad to say goodbye again until the next time, but more than anything, I am excited for whats about to happen in my life!!


With Gaz, just finishing off with a student of his and certifying all of the courses he has completed, its time for us both to tie up loose ends, and get ready for the big change.  For me, its easy, I had an unsuccessful bout with the Dubai Police which is something I said I would do for someone before I left, but unfortunately was unsuccessful.  I had a couple of visa challenges late on, a few different communications with all things scuba including a change of region with PADI and then the final almighty task of packing.  Wow.  

With 250 people aboard, the last thing I need
is a suitcase the size of 5 small Thai men.

If you have ever emigrated, or moved house then you will understand the difficult challenge and thought behind what and how to pack your case.  I recently went out to by a more 'travel-friendly' bag, and ended up with what looks like a huge Nike gym bag.  I'm pretty happy with it and saves me carting a heavy duty suitcase around the knackered streets of Bangkok and struggling fitting it in 'Tuk-Tuk's' as we move around.  The past few days have included trying to get every document that I need or potentially need whilst I am there and convert or find a substitute to a digital version, not easy, but I seem to have done it quite easily - until I arrive in Thailand and realise I have forgotten something. 


I have very little scuba equipment with me right now, and I will be looking to buy almost all of the standard kit whilst I am there, however the things I do have are big.. and heavy.  Having only 30kg baggage allowance is not much when you consider a complete life swap is happening. So after deciding that I need all of my shorts and t-shirts and saying goodbye to hoodies, jeans and my beloved leather jacket, I finally finished packing. I find it quite funny that although I complain about not having much weight allowance to relocate everything I own, I think its a case of 'having eyes bigger than your belly'.  My whole life and all of my possessions fit into my bag with space left, and weighs roughly 20kg.  Quite sad really.  


One thing that I am grateful for and very happy with is the fact that I have managed to get hold of a camera for my travels.  It just so happened to be, that Paul, my step-dad, had decided to go out and by a new camera - after my Mom decided to go swimming with his old one.  After looking over it and seeing that it comes with a top-notch underwater camera housing (needed for underwater photography), I decided to buy it off him before I go, instead of buying electronics when I get to Bangkok.  I think the fact that it was a top deal, and the fact I didn't want to buy faulty goods in Thailand swung it for me. 


So now, I am set.  Bags packed and sorted, passports and visa sorted, documentation sorted, camera sorted.  I have that obligatory feeling that I have forgotten something important, but that is normal and I am sure that I have everything I need for the trip.  I have thought about letting people know that I am leaving today but decided against it.  I will keep in touch with any person that wants to keep in contact with me, but to save myself the conversations about 'where I'm going, how long, what I'm doing' etc. Its easier to get up and go.  In the same breathe, I thought during the past days whether to contact my ex and let her know what I am doing etc.  I decided to do it.  People might moan at me and say 'what are you doing James, why are you doing this to yourself', but I am confident that my mindset is over her, despite the fact my heart is still slightly attached, I am happiest whilst knowing that I can contact her letting her know, after all I had the time of my life with that girl.  I do not expect a reply, do not want a reply and now I am happy in myself that every loose end possible has been tied up.  


Now, its a waiting game, until 11.30pm tonight until we head for Bahrain, then a 7 hour flight to Bangkok, for James Clark's new exciting life.  Good times.


JC

Time Waster

It is currently 6.04am and my mind is just as confused as my body is right now in know what day it is, when the  last time I woke up was and when I should next go to sleep.  I know this is the 9th post that I shall be publishing, but not so sure which day it is, not so sure if I've managed to miss blogging on one day or two.


I hate being in this type of state, it gets you down.  There's nothing which is really 'bad' per se, just annoying that you seem to sleep throughout the day, waste the daylight hours and then during the hours you are awake, everyone one else is sleeping and you waste more and more hours.  in the end, the 24 hours of your day are a complete waste, time which could be used for something else, something good.  You sit there, wondering, thinking about what you can do that is productive and thoughts run through your mind like 'learn a new language', 'go for a jog' and 'go to sleep'.  All these things are much better to do and would make me feel better about myself (and probably, take my mind off other things too).  


Although you sit there and think about doing 'something productive', there are just as many reasons to back out of it, whether its because Ghost Hunters is coming on the telly in 15 minutes (and lets be honest, who can go to sleep when Derek Acorah, is coming on, the cheeky ghost-hunting scouse geezer!), or you are 'too tired' to go for a run or you you tell yourself you will sleep soon, and then realise you have only just woken up. I think the most productive thing I have done today is probably catch up on what's happening in Emmerdale, sent a couple of emails about what's happening in Thailand and fought off a couple of ex-girlfriend memories which have tried to crawl through in my moments of weakness.  It seems that everywhere I look recently, things are determined to get my thoughts back on to what I do not need to think about. That, or my mind is connecting things to those memories I have with her.  Not sure, probably the latter, but for my own self-esteem and confidence, we will go for the 'coincidence' option.  


On another subject, i have some good news! 


Flights to Bangkok are booked, confirmed and paid for. Sweet. I have being waiting for this moment for well over a month now, and it seems like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders.  Despite knowing the plans were going to come to fruition in my head, actually seeing the tickets in black and white, with names, times and destination is like an 'hallelujah' moment.  Now all of the talk about Bangkok, Phuket, the parties, Koh Tao and the other islands, thinking about the diving and everything else the place has to offer - all of this seems to finally be real and its starting to hit me that in, hmmmm less than 48 hours, I will be there.


I'm also thinking that my commitment of one blog per day, was probably a high task and awkward task to maintain.  I have struggled to find influence, topics and whatnot whilst I am jobless and duty-less in Dubai.  So when I am busy busy, laying drunk of some poor Thai girls bathroom floor or I am underwater swimming with the worlds largest fish, the whale shark, I think the blog might start to slip down my priorities, and although the blog has undoubtedly become something I did not expect - I find my self actively checking the comments and seeing how many 'new hits' I have had that day - in the end, this thing is for myself and I need to continue for myself really.  


That exact statement above 'I need to continue for myself really', makes me laugh and cringe but I also know that its true.  As much as I am loving and enjoying writing the blogs, listening to people's feedback - I have not once read one the posts I have published.  I write it, post it and then wait until the next day and do the same.  I tried 2 or 3 days ago to read my first couple of posts, and I felt the feelings of past times start to come back, I felt embarrassment and thought I write like a 5 year old.  So for now, I have decided its best not to read them.  I realised that when I started to feel the old feelings come back from how I was feeling last week that the pain, anger and love is still inside me, its like I have dug a hole, put all of my feelings in a wooden box and then buried it in the hole and whenever I get close that box, the feelings start to freshen up.  It may take some years for that box to disintegrate in to the ground and just become 'a part of me'.  

http://www1.skysports.com/football/news/11672/7605478/Muamba-critically-ill-

Right now - for the second time in this blog - it is 7.02am, almost one hour of writing and watching 'How It Is Made', where I found out how they make the traditional English red post-box.  Fascinating.  It is early, and people in the household are now beginning to wake up and get themselves ready for work, I will find my self in 4 or 5 hours looking for my bed to once again say good night at the complete wrong time.  Today, I'm not too bothered as I just need to be awake by 8pm local time to catch the footy match.  On the note of football I would to express my prayers are with Fabrice Muamba of Bolton F.C who unfortunately dropped to the floor during the Bolton vs Spurs match last night and is now in a London Heart Specialist Hospital clinically ill and is in intensive care.  Whether you are a fan of Bolton, Spurs, any other team or you are not a fan at all, these stories go above football and the results, and should bring everybody together in wishing the best for Muamba.  He is 23 and according to reports, fighting for his life! 


JC

Ping-pong

I must start by mentioning that I did not blog yesterday for a mixture of reasons.

I have being finding it somewhat difficult to remain positive and believe that I am 'the stronger person' in the past couple of days, my sleep pattern has alternated and now I sleep through the day, stay awake through the night.  As I mentioned, it has been a struggle to remain positive and stop my self of thinking about her, the time we had, how I miss her and how bad she made me feel, a real mixture of feelings, but the past days everything I see reminds me of her.  Which is hard,

I now have around 48 hours left in the U.A.E and I have gone through the rigmoral of packing, sorting visas out, finding places to stay and now just ready to jump on the plane and go, and the sooner.. the better.  I am sure I will still think about her when I am out there in Thailand, but it will be much MUCH easier to forget about her, and I need to.. quick.  Knowing that I still love her so much after everything she has put me through is eating away at me inside, making me think 'what a fool you are', and then I think of the good times we had and just wish the next person to call is her.  Although, I dont really want her to call - I realise it is the weakness inside of me trying to jump out.

I've found it difficult to blog over the past couple of days - a mixture of not knowing what to say and because I do not want to keep droning on about my ex, after publicly stating that I have started to feel better.  The reason I have decided to blog to day is because I cannot lie, I cannot tell people I am completely fine, when I am not.  This doesn't mean that I am back in the place I was before when I was depressed and thought the world was a pile of horse muck, but I am very much still in the transition period of 'rain-cloud' about to leave, in my mind.  Some days I am my normal Jimmy C cheeky chappy personality, and sometimes, more reserved because everything around me is still revolving around her.  I'm not happy with this situation, my head has accepted and moved on, but my heart is still pining for her somewhat and holding me back.  Which is why I am hopeful Thailand will release me of that.  That thought pleases me, finally over!

Myself and Gaz will board the plane to Bangkok very soon where we will spend a few days to find our feet before heading through the main cities of Thailand, travel, see the place before we settle down and find some permanent work as scuba diving instructors. There will be no time for thinking about the past - only the present and the future.  There are too many opportunities to be had and I cannot bloody wait.

Some of the reviews for Thailand on the internet have made me laugh recently, and as much I am aware everywhere has their good and bad spots, I find it difficult to believe that people can actually have a 'real' life and bring up kids there etc.  The place looks nuts.  From having girls shooting ping-pong balls out of their, erm.. lady gardens, to seeing men with breast implants trying to drug you to sleep with you, to hearing stories about 24/7 parties which have the craziest stories.  It all seems great! As mentioned in previous posts I will not be partaking in 'all' activities Thailand has to offer, but as a person with the motto 'try everything once, if you dont like it, dont try it again', I will go with an open mind to try as much as I can - my morals will still remain the same.

If you cannot lose yourself, relax, let loose and get your head together in Thailand then where the hell can you go?  

JC

The Sky is the Limit

Day 7, Week 1.  That's commitment.

I would like to apologize to everyone for probably making you want to slit your wrists over the last week.  I promise from now, it will change... until the next time my heart is broken.  Its funny, I know I am such a positive, smiley happy go-lucky guy, although from the sounds of my blogs and reading back over them, I could not come across any different.  You know what they say, love makes us do funny things.  Oh so true.

I am happy, optimistic and so pleased that my mindset has changed, and although I still feel like there is a slight rain cloud of misery of my head, I can see the rainbow, though more importantly than that I can feel the heat of the sun bearing down on me again.  I am happy that in the time of true heartbreak and misery that I now have the confidence that I am a stronger person than that, with a little help from my friends.

How can someone stay upset and down with friends like this? It is this type of thing which has made me feel like the rain cloud is on its way out of town and I feel like even if it came back, I would know how to react to this, and get my umbrella out.

I now have the best opportunity of my life in front of me, I have already studied and gone through the hardship of becoming an scuba diving instructor and now, I can really enjoy my self, enjoy teaching people how to do what I love and to see the look of excitement and transformation on peoples face when they see the underwater world for the first time.

Only a couple of days are left until the flight to South East Asia and I see my new home for the foreseeable future for the first time.  I have obviously heard about the place from so many people and so many different things, most commonly about the ping-pong girls, and the 'chicks-with dicks'.  I have an open mind and people will do what they want to do, and I am thinking that right now I will be fine with all these new experiences, however, I am sure when I finally do arrive , at times I will be s******g my self and wondering what I have gotten myself into.  At the same time, there will be experiences that I am not so fond of, along with another thousand moments which I absolutely love.  Swings and roundabouts, but hey, that's life isn't it.  

Despite loving Dubai when I very first arrived, I am leaving the country with a completely different view.  I think my views of the place are slightly marred and biased by the experiences I have had here in recent times.  I'm sure that everyone you speak to in Dubai will tell you it is like living in a bubble, you don't realise what is happening outside of your world and realise that alot of the people 'inside' the bubble are not necessarily the people you would associate your self with in your natural habitat.  

I think that if you can realise and understand that Dubai is built on false pretenses, for the people who like to live the high life, its a place in which people who have money like to show people that they have money.  If you can understand these points of views and can be happy with it, then you can live quite happily.  Whilst there are a large number of people in this country who are materialistic, lie and back stab you - that's just the Arab way.  However, like I always say, you cannot tar everything with the same brush, obviously not everybody in the UAE is like this and there are some real natural, down to earth people living here, and its nice when you find them.  

As much as I dislike the place now and most of the people in it these days, there is one thing you cannot take away from Dubai and that is the fact that is the WOW factor.  Everything here is the biggest, the tallest, the smallest, the most expensive etc.  The Arabs have found their money in their oil, realised it will not last for ever, and decided to out their country on the map for other reasons and that's exactly what they have done. The reason I mention this is because I know and I understand Thailand is going to be the complete opposite.  I am going from living in one of the most up-and-coming developing countries in the world, to a place where people are still living in wooden huts and buildings on stilts. I am excited.

I am excited because I think I will feel much more 'at home' in that type of environment.  There are no egos, no body thinks they are better than anyone else and every one on the islands are looking to party and have a good time.  Betters times are coming folks I can feel it in my bones.

Lithium

So we are on Day 6 of blogging now.

I find it quite strange that the moment I start to blog, that same moment my life has taken a course on the worlds largest emotional roller coaster.  Coincidence or has it happened for a reason? Either way I am happy to have the stress release through blogging and speaking to friends and family.  It has helped.

Last night when I had blogged and I had spoken to a few friends about things, I realized that I might live to regret asking people questions, after wondering if I could really handle the truth and what it would mean to me.  I had reached a certain peace with myself and the situation, but yet again, emotion fueled decisions had let to more heartache today, in hindsight, my own fault for being so persistent about knowing every detail.

I had reached out to a person I thought could help me with some answers, and I was right, this person did give me answers and confirmed to me that yes, my ex had being cheating on me, for just under one month.  Up until I had made my peace yesterday, I had thought that by knowing this it would help me through what has happened.  It didn't.  I awoke this morning to find the news, and almost immediately was hit by an emotional rush of adrenaline, and rather than feel like a pressure had been lifted, I started to feel angry, disappointed and emotionally unstable once again.  My first reaction was to contact her and let her know I now have the power to make her life as shit as mine has been this last week with the evidence I now had in my possession.  I knew that as much as emotions were high that this behavior is not me, so I decided to go outside and have a cigarette and calm down.  One cigarette turned into about 5, I could not change my mind or calm down and was still demanding to know why she had treated me this way.  Once again, regrettably now, I dug out her number and text her telling her I knew and I could not promise not telling her family.

After debating whether or not I would really make my revenge, I managed to have a 2 hour long discussion with my good friend Colin and his fiance Hayley.  It was so nice to Skype with them, talk some nonsense, about some old times and of course what has being going on with me and my ex.  It was nice to really talk, waste some time and to get a fresh point of view on things.  After the call, I started listening to Nirvana, a band I have always love, and listened to the song 'I hate myself and want to die',  it is definitely not one of my favorite songs but it definitely inspired me and made me feel happier about myself.  I know that as much as life gets you down, it chews you up and spits you out again - like it has done to me recently- then I will never hate life enough to want to finish it, I am a strong person and as much as I sometimes I sound pessimistic, do stupid emotionally fueled things every now, I know that I am a strong man and you need to get back on your horse and try again.

The emotions, thoughts and other things I cannot put a name to over the last week have been crazy.  I have learnt a few things about life, other people and most importantly about myself.  I have learnt that when you truly know a person, they can still change, and just because you know a person until the point where you feel 100% comfortable and trustworthy - that person can still change.  I have learnt that life will put us through the highest highs and the lowest lows, and in the end it means nothing, what matters is how you overcome lives problems and move on.  We have a short amount of time on this planet and there is no point wasting one second over a person who does not deserve you for whatever reason.  This is a not a statement expressing that I am better than anybody else, but one that states everybody is equal and nobody, NOBODY should think they can treat other people like I have been treat and get away with it.  Karma's a bitch.  The thing I have learnt about myself is that I am much, much stronger than I ever thought and that I am happy with who I am.  Although, it will be tough in the near future to remind my self of this, I know that deep down, I will be okay and I am sure I will love again should I be lucky enough.


This is the third I have tried to write this blog today, it has been way too difficult for me to write down my thoughts, and actually get them out there in to the public.  I have however, since come to terms with whats happened, I have deleted the people from my life who I believe will help me, I have a flight to book, a case to pack and my future to plan which I am so excited about and now need to have some faith that I can keep this positive mental attitude going on, and my blogs from now will actually be positive and exciting, rather than carry a sense of a negativity and hopefully this big miserable rain cloud which is hanging around me at the moment.. can kindly bugger off.


JC

Hocus Pocus

G'day dudes and dudettes!


Unlike many other bloggers, I don't really tell my readers what I'm doing in my day-to-day life; what I'm wearing, what I have for breakfast etc. Its generally quite deep. However, to set up today's post, however, you are going to learn what last 48 (ish) hours in the life of me has been like.


I'll start off on Saturday, which is the day after the birthday drinks celebration we had for my mother - and when we all met Malcolm X, the lizard.  It was, as I'm sure you can imagine after drinking heavily - although on the night not feeling the effects, the hangover was bang on form - it was a very lazy, quiet and grouchy day in the household.  Most of the population waking up around lunchtime then reaching for the sofa for some much needed extra chill-out time.  We did however manage to muster up some strength to get some clothes on, wallets out and into a car around 3pm or 4pm.  Destination? Beach bar.  For some food, and obviously, a couple more cheeky celebratory drinks for my mothers birthday.  It was really nice, I'm sure this is the first time in quite a few years that my immediate family have all been together for someones birthday.  

We had managed to find a table and order some grub. We found my step-brother on the beach in some bright pink shorts - who had been in the country about 2 or 3 hours, before dropping his clothes in his bedroom and heading back out to the beach bar for some drinks. Screw loose. My parents decided to leave after an hour or two, the boys and I decided to stay to carry on my mothers birthday celebration. Honest. We ended up staying at the bar as I knew the football would be on later, so in the meantime I had decided if I was going to get drunk that night I would need a bit more ammo than just a pint of watered down Carlsberg, or a single JD and coke.  So we ordered bullfrogs.  Found out it was happy hour from 4pm till 7pm, I don't remember the number, but if I said I had had around 10 of them, I don't think I'd be too far off being right.  Later we had decided to move on to a different bar after a disappointing loss in the football, only to be reminded by my younger brother that whilst wearing shorts, we are not going to get in many places.  A quick hop home, jeans on, back in taxi, sorted.


We get to our destination, which I have been to once before and had an experience to remember.. or not as the case goes.  Basically a hooker joint.  For me its quite a good place to go, its just like been in a gay bar, I'm not interested whatsoever what is going on around me, what people do at the end of the night but in the mean time I can have a good time, forget about real life and maybe even have a dance.  Granted, its not somewhere I would go for a couple of quiet drinks and rewind, but every now and then, in this capacity its quite nice to let loose.  My younger brother then decided that after a couple of hours, this place wasn't for him, came to tell me he was leaving so after making sure he had enough money in his pocket to get home and a phone with him, I saw him off.  Myself and Gaz decided to stay for an hour or two before heading home ourselves, it was a good night, ticked all the boxes.  Drink enough alcohol to kill a small family of horses. Check. Deep conversation. Check. Things you don't do when sober. Check. Almost, fight. Check.  And of course the obvious haggling of some girl trying to pose her self upon us for which started off as 1000dhs and eventually told us just give her 200dhs, obviously seeing her chances of getting any money all night slimming by the minute, I gave her 50dhs, said go home, your worth more than selling yourself like this, and so am I, which is when we left.  


It had been full circle, woke up feeling like my arse was in my mouth, got back on it, had some crazy times, slept and woke up feeling like my arse was in my mouth. Sunday was a horrible day for me, but at least I had gotten through the night without waking up sweating thinking about things I don't want to be thinking about right now.  Sunday consisted of waking up around 2pm, blogging, drinking more than I weigh in water and generally feeling sorry for myself now that the thoughts of the previous night and 'the one whose name we do not mention' started to creep their way back in.  Again, when everyone had gotten home from work - which is something I was so grateful for not having to do - it was a case of getting some food, chilling out with Independence Day on the telly and one-by-one heading upstairs to bed.  I retired around 9pm, reasonable time. Only to find myself at 1.30am wake up sweating, tears in my eyes, shaking and my heart pounding from dreaming about and missing 'the one whose name we do not mention'. :(


So, there I am, 1.30am, still feeling hungover, tears in my eyes and shaking like a leaf in the wind.  I was a mess, a complete and utter state. Men are supposed to be strong, protectors and not be like I was last night, I felt ashamed to be reduced to this.. by her.  I have been coping quite well I think, but then again I have had a tirade of help support from friends and family, and almost letting their thoughts and feelings over power my own so I can stop hurting so bad.  Although, when your asleep you cannot fool your self anymore.  Its horrible. So now, its early hours of the morning, most of the people in UAE are asleep, Facebook is dead with life and most of my UK friends are in bed as its late-ish and Monday morning when they next wake up.  Nightmare.


I manage to speak to one of my good friends, Ruth - she has been a rock for me this past week and always gives a fresh honest opinion as well as a supportive blanket for me to cover myself with when I need it.  I talked to Ruth and told her I had done something stupid,  I told her I had found the guy my ex was talking to dirtily to and told her I had messaged him very politely and asked him what had gone on.  To this point still no reply.  Even after doing this I felt like shit,  I was feeling naive, vulnerable and feel like even now I am still being taken for a mug.  Messaging him, wasn't enough though.  I wanted to talk to my ex and speak to her directly, find out some answers.  Ruth had asked me 'What do you want to hear?',  I told her I wanted to hear the truth and find some answers as to why she had done what she has done,  Ruth replied and told me until 'if that's what you want then you should do it because until you find out those answers, you cannot have closure.'.  Very true words.  I managed to find her CV through my emails, pick out her number and message her.  It was long.


At around 4.30am, a couple of hours of sending the message I decided to head back to bed, something I wasn't particularly looking forward to as I knew as soon as I lay down and my head hits that pillow, my thoughts are not my own and I cannot control what i think about.  I was right, it  was carnage.  I decided to entertain my self with apps on my phone in hope I would just naturally fall asleep. Didn't work.  I tried to recap the adventures of the night before. Didn't work.  I even tried to do the A-Z of french footballers that had ever played in the English Premier League. Again, didn't work.  

Whilst looking through my apps on my phone, I came across my horoscope which mentioned 'you are going ahead with a project and not sure how successful it will be' and 'one thing you haven't considered is that a benevolent force is watching over you and helping you out.  If you can manage a little faith, then you will be able to tap into its positive force'.  Its all very Hocus Pocus and I normally disregard this stuff as exactly that.  However, recently I am clutching at straws to find anything positive in order to feel positive.  I took what the horoscope had said and I did what I thought was 'praying to god'.  I'm not a religious person by any means, but will try anything in this situation for positive help.  I spoke to 'god' and asked for two things, and in a round about way, what I asked for, had been given to me in some way or another.


The first thing I asked for was that my ex reply to my text message and explain thoroughly why she did what she did, so I can move on.  The other was to provide me with all of the PMA in the world, so I can feel like myself again. 


I woke up this morning and instead of feeling a bird that has just hit the window of a fast moving, heavy lorry.  I felt like my questions had been answered, I woke up from a dream in which I had had a friendly, long healthy chat with my ex about exactly what I wanted to know, the venue was the house I spent most of my childhood - probably where I feel the most comfortable - and although it was a dream, it was so vivid and has made me feel so much better about everything.  I haven't received a text message back off her, so I tried to call her today, told her it was me and she hung up the phone before I could say another word.  After trying for about an hour, 3 or 4 calls, I sent her an email - about the size of this blog - so she knows I don't want to fight with her, just looking for answers.  I'm not expecting a reply.  In some ways, I would now be happier to believe what I felt in my dream.  It was perfect, she told me what I wanted to hear, I got things off my chest and it ended like I want it to end.  Whether it is real or not, whether it is God's way of helping me or not, who cares.  I feel better about things and to me, right now I'll take that.  I feel like I have made my peace with the situation and now have to have a little faith that things will pick up, and I am sure, in time, when I arrive in Thailand.  They will.


JC

Moving on

Well, well, well.  Day 4.


The choice to start this 365 day project was a great one to make, however, there could be a problem starting arise here, that or I'm becoming a paranoid, over sensitive, head-too-big douche bag.


I started this blog as mostly 'self-help', to get my ideas, thoughts etc out in the open so I can be honest with myself and honest with others.  I think if you have read my previous posts you will see a drastic change in thoughts and feelings from yours truly already - this is not due to me 'changing' or 'growing', of which I was hoping to find some of these things this time next year. If we are all still alive in 2013 that is, because we are all going to die this year, apparently.  The simple reasons of why I have changed my views and feelings so drastically are because of what happened the other night.  When I look back to my first blog, just a couple of days ago, I cannot look at it or read it and feel confident or happy with myself.  I can only think 'what a stupid idiot you were for thinking like that'.  I know what has happened with my relationship, and I am coming to terms with the idea that I'm not necessarily and idiot, I'm not a fool, a bad person etc. its starting to hit home that all I did was open my heart to somebody and got it broken in half.  


The thing I'm struggling with is.. I know she loved me and we genuinely did have a really amazing time together - probably the best when I took her and her little boy to Rome, Italy for a week for her birthday.  That was probably the best week of my life.  


I will always have the memories and I'm sure in time I will look back and realise when she loved me and when she didn't, but right now, every time I look at my Facebook pictures, more than half of them are me with her. I am struggling to know how to deal with them.  Do I keep them online and get upset and wonder 'was she lying about loving me at this time?', thinking 'I wonder how many guys she was texting here?' or do I delete them?  Its a tough call, right now I do not want to see them, and do not want to spend an hour clicking through all these snaps, re-living the memories only to then delete them and get more upset than I already am.  If I do get rid, then they are gone forever.


Enough of the ex-talk. I am boring myself thinking about this all the time, talking about it. I am worth more than what she gave me and the way she treated me.  You know, when women get down and upset about things they congregate together, get a bottle of red wine, some ice cream, stick Bridget Jones' Diary on the telly and reassure each other about 'Girl Power' and this magic ritual seems to make everything disappear, its amazing. But do not be fooled guys and girls. Men do the same thing.  When there is something on the mind of a man and it is really digging into him, we have our own magical ritual.  


All you have to do is change some of the ingredients - you have to be by yourself for this to work, men talking about things doesn't work, change the bottle of red to a bottle of Jack Daniels or a 6 pack of Carlsberg, change ice cream for the biggest Meat Feast pizza the shop will make and stick Top Gear or some Bear Grylls type of documentary on the TV in replacement of old Bridget Jones. That's it, that's all you need, et voila! We wake up in the morning, peace has been made with the world and its time to get back to normality.


Thats why, as a man, it is good to vent a little bit and I can now use this blog as part of a stress-release, rather than waking up in a pile of your own vomit and find pieces of pizza down your undercrackers.  


One reason I have thought about there potentially being a problem with my blogging is the reasons behind it.  I started off as a complete newbie, and I still am but the response by the readers has been phenomenal, and although I know myself this is incredibly early to start having these thoughts, but I have found myself actively thinking of what to write in my blogs the day before, thinking how tomorrows is going to be as good as today's or yesterdays for example, and rather than 'just' a personal experiment, its starting to look and feel like a performance piece as well.  This may not sound like a problem, but I don't want to compromise my personal project just to make somebody else happy.  However, I am best pleased when whilst doing my own thing that makes people happy, that's pretty cool.


I am quite eager to maybe do some research and talk to some other people that are blogging and find out what it means to them and how much to really put into it.  I found my self reading through some article on Twitter today and I thought to myself, wow, it must take a huge effort to get thousands of followers and keep them entertained on a daily basis.  My usage of that particular 'social network' is very, very minimal.  I use it to read what famous people have to say, I don't really have any interest in becoming a popular 'Tweeter'.  Posting multiple messages per day and keeping up to date, second by second seems too much effort to me.


I have realised in this short amount of time whilst blogging that I really enjoy it. The biggest thing I have learnt so far is that when you thoroughly think about a subject and understand what your feelings are, you are able to expand your mind. You are able to get the same message across by updating your Facebook. For example, If i was to wake up pissed off for whatever reason, more likely than not my next Facebook status would read 'James Clark is.. pissed off'.  With blogging you can really understand, explore and realise why you are pissed off, in the end it is the same message been projected - you still know your pissed off and so does everyone else, but you can really learn how to 'say what you mean and really mean what you say'.


JC

Malcolm X

Good day folks!

Have to admit I am surprised by peoples positive reaction to this thing. Bonus.

I'm afraid that today's blog will not be as inspired as my previous two.  

I left yesterdays blog describing a feeling of opportunity and enthusiasm, and don't get me wrong i know these feelings are still there but I feel like, overnight there has been a minor sandstorm (or for the guys back in UK - a snowstorm).  Now, a sandstorm doesn't destroy things in anyway, it just kind of... covers everything in sand. Yesterday was the day of destruction for me, and was shown feelings and a sense of adrenaline I never knew I had, my feelings were anger, disappointment, shame, sadness, jealousy and an extreme lack of self-esteem feeling.  

It seems that all of the anger and hurt I had inside me yesterday has at least subsided for today, but with the layer of sand that has come through during the night, I have found that this morning there is also a layer of sadness with it.  Encompassing my entire thoughts - without really thinking - strange feeling.  Its a sadness and realisation that I was just not good enough for her, and that as much as I love her, I am sad that she had to lie to me rather than be honest. All of the thoughts I had yesterday but rather than be angry have turned to sadness. And that... is sad.

It is my moms birthday today (Happy Birthday MOM) and we had decided to venture out last night to one of these 'all-you-can-eat-and-drink' shindigs at some posh hotel,  I met some of my parents new friends, we were joined by Gaz and a couple the family has known for around 4 years, Leanne and Callum.  It also happened to be one of those nights where you drink, and drink, and drink but don't get drunk. What a waste of money.

I found out quite quickly of sitting down that one of the topics of tonight's discussion would be me, my blogs and what a shit time I've being going through.  I was half expecting people there to be asking about whats happened, giving me advice and telling me I'm sorry life will only get better. I realise this might sound ungrateful on my part, but its really not, hearing these things from people genuinely does make you feel better about the situation - in small doses.  I am terrible for this, whenever I hear about somebody who has bad news in their life, I genuinely hate the fact that all I can really say or do is 'Im sorry for..', sometimes I wish there was more you could do or say to a person. Anyways, I was expecting a certain level of these things, but what I 'really' wanted was to go out forget about everything, what a fool I have been, what a 'bad' person my ex has been, just everything.  

I was what seemed to be targeted for a brief moment and told about why this is going to be the best moment of my life now, it doesn't matter if your ex has 's*****d' 1 or a million men and I'm sure you can imagine the other 'positive reinforcements' been used for a couple of hours.  This is the first conflict I have had with 'blogging' because I now have the experience of going out, meeting 2 or 3 people for the first time ever and have them tell me my life and what to do with it.  As much of the talk was because they were pissed as farts, it was still a strange experience. not a bad one at all, I was quite enjoying listening to peoples stories, but seemed to shy away when they were talking about mine.

By the end of the night, well, once the gay Russian mafia from the table next door (who in between songs were jumping off the stage to check on how their shipment was coming along) had given the dance floor back to the band and the music had stopped, I actually started to have fun again and stop thinking about what has taken up so much of my minds working hours. People were drinking more, inhibitions loosening and talking to me about 'you-know-who' less and less. Winners.  This was also helped by a small friend of mine called Malcom X, who for the animal extremists reading this will probably be largely offended.  Malcom X was a gecko, who one of the guys had found dead and introduced to the group, a couple of the guys thought that for sentimental purposes and a present to my mother for her birthday we should put him in a Pepsi bottle full of water, to replicate the look of a ship in a bottle.   

This is exactly the type of childish banter I need in order to sort my head out and forget about that chimera like beast of a woman who tore out, jumped up and down on my heart.  Its easy to forget about what has happened as long as you keep yourself busy, talk to people about random things and generally try to have PMA.  The problem is, when you are sleeping, you have no control over your conscious thoughts and things take a turn for the worse, especially for me the past two nights and its horrible.

We are just about to leave the house now to go for a meal at a beach bar in Dubai, and I'm already feeling terrible for not getting anything for my moms birthday despite the fact my past week has been pre-occupied with other thoughts.  I will have to make it up to her thank her for all of the love and support she continues to give me after everything.  The same goes for my friends who have showed an un-relentless sense of support in the past week, and with you guys  I know this situation would be bare near impossible to get through alone.

One thing I am certain, is that right now, after once again cheering myself up by getting my thoughts and feelings down, I am buzzing and beaming with love for my friends and family, I'm buzzing with excitement for Thailand and hate to wish my life away but wish i could just fast-forward one week, until I am on that flight to Bangkok.

Ciao for ow.

JC

Hibernation

Aloha, its me again, and due to my word here is the blog for Day 2.

I would like to start off by saying that my state of mind isn't in the stable, comfortable place it was yesterday (but that doesnt mean its hanging of the edge of a cliff either) and I'm sure you will see why and hopefully even understand as you carry on reading.

First of all, I would like to express a huge thank you for the kind words and support given by friends family after Day 1 of 'blogging', I have to say I was overwhelmed and soon shocked by realizing that I may have more real 'friends' than I initially anticipated.

In my previous post I mentioned this to be a type of 'experiment' and already after only one day in the life of JamesClark365, things have altered hugely since yesterdays views. My body, mind and soul feels a little like that of a train derailment. Crashing, burning and killing almost everything inside.

However, in this case everything I am writing is not literal and no-body has been killed and physically hurt (thank god).

Here is a link to another Blogger (just so happens to be my mom) who has already blogged today with her views and feelings along with a very in-depth description of what has occurred.  You will need to read this also in order to understand the rest of today's blog.

http://mandysmidlifemayhem.blogspot.com/

There is nothing really that I can add to this story, it is all true, however I think if it was me writing that blog, there would have been alot more F**k, b****d, c**t 'sinvolved - which is probably a good thing that my mom decided to blog before me today.

I am not really sure what to think, how to feel or even what to do in the future now and this is precisely why I created this blog, to see how I handle and develop as a person by knowing my thoughts and feelings.  So whether I get 1 hit or 1 million, I think this will be great for me.

I have always grown up, open to receive advice from people, about any subject, I love understanding how different people deal with different situations.  I also believe that people can only give advice about their own personal experiences and usually find my self turning off when people think they know whats best for you and understand your situation, in hope they can make your mind up for you.  However, right now I would be more than happy for somebody to take over my body and mind and live my life for a few weeks at least so I can hibernate (like the daddy bear) and feel sorry for myself.

I am not naive in thinking that my situation is unique. Its not. Its a simple case of boy meets girl, fall in love followed by the obligatory heartbreak to finish it off.  My feelings now are mixed and part of me is relieved that I have found out about whats being happening, and the other is still in "I cant believe she would do this to me" mode.  Most of my friends know that I'm not somebody who loves easily and has certainly enjoyed his time in finding 'Mrs Right', if you know what I mean.

So for me, to finally let somebody in and really trust them with my deepest darkest secrets (there aren't many, everybody knows my life). Grow the feeling that this person really is the one person I love and always will love, just to be turned around 8 months later and be told everything that was said in recent times was a lie, get the F**k out of my house and I've been kissing other guys (and God knows what else), all of these things plus more equates to the universes largest dose of self-loathing one could imagine. Fool. 

I think for now I must weather the internal storm of my feelings of good and bad right now until they subside and I finally forget about this horrible piece of work.  The biggest thing for me, which I cant get my head around is WHY? Why would somebody knowingly treat another person in this way? What is there to gain apart from a massive argument at the end?  All I ever wanted was to love her and her son and make this girl happy, there was a smile that she would do for me when I made her laugh and it was so infectious, there were times when she was sad she would only want to speak to me to talk to because she trusted me.  These small things mean something and regardless of what she did last night, why would she give everything we had up for a kiss and some dirty texts (which I want to add were to a 50 odd year old man telling him he makes her wet and horny and wants his..lets say 'lovelength' inside her).  I wanted to to get that in somewhere in the blog, it has already made me feel better.

To conclude today's blog, I do genuinely believe that what we had was real, it somehow got lost along the way, she realised it and was too much of a coward, or control freak (I've not decided yet) to tell me about it, and when found out to be guilty, started to rub it in my face.

This does give me some solace however, I know that in the past I didn't have the best track record for treating women with must up most of respect (one night stands), but I was always honest and let people know where they stand.  However, in the past year or so, I do genuinely believe I have naturally grown, changed my views and I am happy with who I have become. As much as fool and knob as I feel right now, I know my only problem was opening up my heart and being a lovesick fool, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am really enjoying the concept of 'blogging'.  Normally when I SMS, BBM or use Facebook, my text is terrible, full of spelling mistakes, smiley faces etc. :) : ;) :p and the rest of it, its nice to be civil for a change.  You can be as honest, straight forward as you like and as long as you don't mention any names, there is no law suit :D

Thats enough of the self-loathing blog from yours truly for today.  I wont be surprised to hear a number of my friends and family have slit their wrists after reading this.

After writing this blog I have found I have a sense of enthusiasm and feel almost opportunistic that this happened for a reason, and that reason was to release the weights from around my ankles let me be free.  Lets see what happens with this feeling between now and tomorrow. 

JC

- shout out to Alex Gower, Ruth Maranian, Colin Cubbin (and hayls), Kayleigh Mac and of course my mom for their persistence, kind words and help in the last 24 hours! Great tune, and words seem very fitting for this situation. Enjoy!

The Beef

Hello and welcome to my blog!!


I will start by introducing myself and explaining the objectives of this project..


My name is James Clark, 22, born and raised Hull, UK - currently living in Dubai, UAE. This is the first blog I have ever attempted and must admit I'm not entirely sure what becoming a 'blogger' consists of or what it really means.  I have been thinking of starting a blog for a while now, and seeing my mom creating and enjoying her blog, I decided to take the proverbial plunge in to the unknowns of the interweb.  


I will be honest and say that the main reasons behind this decision of 'blogging' are all very selfish. The primary thought of mine is to use this blog as an experiment.  My life right now as I am writing this is in a major crossroads and I have made a decision which is going to shape the rest of my future in some way or another.  The experiment is to understand how my day-to-day life will change the way I view topics and affect the way I feel about things, rather than just drift through life and only think about things as and when they seem to become relevant which is what I have been doing for such a long time.


I have reasons to believe there will be very few 'hits' on my blog and I am really not looking for them, but will be honest in what I write, I will try and commit to one post-per day and warn you now that my posts may bore you. To death. If so, I hold no responsibility. So read at your own peril.


So, I guess that's a fairly brief Introduction and you guys can kind of see where I will be going with this thing. Oh one more thing, before I enter the beef (no puns intended for those of you with your minds in the gutter), I am more than open to advice, praise, criticism, topics of discussion and any old banter on comments below.


Apart from making my blogging debut this evening, I will also take this time to set up the 'beef' which I earlier mentioned as the 'major crossroad' I'm about to cross.  Very recently, I left my job of Dive Centre Manager/Scuba Instructor in Dibba, UAE for 'personal reasons' without going in to the dirty ins and outs.  Along with this, I have had the worst of run-ins this year with losing money, speeding fines, bad news from home, more speeding fines, red lights, more work problems and to top it all off, the thing that affects my life the most recently has been my relationship with my girlfriend, or ex, I'm not really sure what the situation is.  I am a very positive person and live my life by the motto 'PMA - Positive Mental Attitude' I believe it will cure the king of bad moods.  


I made the decision about a month ago that I would move to Thailand around late March/April time due to the fact that things at work were - lets say 'stale going sour' to put it nicely, my love life had been on and off - a lot of words said which are hard to forget and lets just say there is more life in a grave than in Dibba to get excited about. All signs for a change.  Since then, I have planned and arranged the trip with Gaz, an instructor I met at my recent position, and to be honest I am glad he will be with me for this trip as he lived in the area for 3+ years, it will be like the blind leading the drunk I'm sure.


As the date of departure gets closer and closer im growing more and more excited and genuinely cannot wait.  However, I am also in a position where the feelings for the girl I love have not changed since the day I realised I love her.  If anything my feelings have only grown.  I know in my head I am 100% committed to going to Thailand to progress with my career and will be on that flight.  The battle I am having is trying to convince myself I am doing the right thing in leaving her (and her amazing little boy) behind in hope that if what we have is real then we will find each other again in the future.  I can honestly say to friends, family and strangers that this is the hardest decision I have ever had to make.


Only time will tell what adventures and new experiences life will have in store for me and as pessimistic as I get sometimes about things, I am positive and beaming with enthusiasm for my future ;)


That's enough for now, and yes I realise sound like a narcissistic, old spinster, with a house full of cats.  Now its all out in the open we will have smaller more intimate posts!!


Ciao Bella!


Ghorboonet Beram man elahi MA 


JC